Broken Made Beautiful

I'll probably never forget the day last October when I found myself curled up on the floor in my room, broken, and in tears. On that day I surrendered the broken pieces of my life back into God's hands.

I struggled with an eating disorder for about a year. In September, I started eating again, but I hated every minute of it. I hated the fact that I was forcing myself to eat, rather than eating willingly. And I hated the fact that I had to eat, even though I had no desire to. I was ashamed, afraid, and dealing with self-hate. I had struggled for control, only to realize that I had none. That I was completely out of control. I realized that I was broken, but I was still unwilling to surrender to God's control. I had compartmentalized my life. God could have everything but that. I tried to piece myself back together.

And it didn't work. It was like trying to tape together broken china.

I was reminded today of the fact that we serve a God who makes broken things beautiful by the healing power of His grace. I also found a Japanese art form that I have thoroughly fallen in love with. It’s called kintsugi.

Veins of gold lacquer delicately hold together a once broken piece of china.

On that day in October, I surrendered to God. I realized that I couldn't fix myself, so I asked Him to do it for me. I'm not saying that everything has been perfect since then. It hasn't. There are days when I still have to make a conscious effort to eat enough. Perhaps the biggest struggle for me was to choose joy, instead of being weighed down by the guilt, shame, and regret that I felt.

For a long time, all I saw were the cracks - the marks of my failure. When I finally saw beyond that, and in those cracks saw God's golden grace, that I was able to rejoice. I'm not happy with my choices and the consequences they had, but I am joyful that God's grace is enough to heal and hold together a life that was once broken.

For a long time I struggled to be honest about the fact that I had been anorexic. I still don't talk about it a lot, but I've gotten to the point that I'm not unwilling to talk about it. I realized that I needed to be willing to acknowledge my struggles to others, in order to share with people the incredible work of God's grace in my life. It's like a kintsugi plate: if you pretend that it was never cracked, then you can't enjoy the beauty of how it is now held together. It's like Paul, choosing to boast in his weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ could be seen in him.

Most people throw away their broken china. A lot of people are willing to throw away their broken lives. But that isn’t how God works. God’s grace is beautiful. More and more I see the incredible grace of God running in gold en veins through my life, holding me together. Like kintsugi, where the lines where the piece of china was once broken add beauty as they are filled with gold, our lives become beautiful as they are put back together by God.

Written by Patience Griswold