This Is My Success

I planned success.

We pulled out of the driveway that Wednesday morning and began the long trek up to Minnesota. I kept myself busy listening to music, trying to keep my feet warm, and re-reading Congressional Research Service reports for debate. I was going to be ready to take down any case we confronted. And I wasn't only concerned with debate; I had a message to spread. God had laid a passion on my heart for Radical Islam, and the hope that He has for the sons of Ishmael. In my TP box, next to file folders of evidence, sat the outflow of that passion: a freshly typed out persuasive script, layered with statistics, pain and hope. I was so excited for the chance to enter this suburban mission field, and spread the message God had placed on my heart.

I planned success.  I wasn't focused on winning, I told myself. God could do whatever He wanted with me. I was ready to follow Him, no matter what. I wasn't prepared for how much that conviction would be challenged... Thursday morning, as we were getting ready to leave for the first day of competition, Mom received a phone call... Sarah was sick, and we would not be debating. In that moment, all I could think to cling to was Jesus. And in that moment, all I felt was peace. Peace mixed with disappointment.... but peace, just the same. I found out later that some of my friends had found out about Sarah as well, even before I had, and had been interceding for me at that exact moment.

Later that evening, I felt less strength than I had that morning over the situation. But I told myself it was okay. I still had my persuasive. I still had my message. I still had the chance to stir hearts and share my passion.

I planned success.  Persuasive breaks were called, and my name was not on the list. It hurt... as much as I told myself to "suck it up" and not give way to weakness, it hurt so much. I found a place by myself for a little while to listen to a worship song.....

"Let go, my soul,

And trust in Him.

The waves and wind

Still know His name."

I planned success.  And it did not come in the way I wanted. We didn't get a chance to run against a single case in debate. Persuasive judges questioned the relevance of my message. But He began a success than ran much more deeply.

The day before the Minnesota qualifier, I had taken a picture to remind myself why I was doing this to begin with:

I'm so surprised at how easily we can forget the things we set out to do..... this was the success I planned, even before we left. I convinced myself that this was my greatest good. And yet it wasn't my sole pursuit. I wanted to love Him... but maybe I wanted to be a big-name team in debate this year even more that week. God had to break so many things within me, to bring me back to what I had set out to do. In the end, only one thing remained. 

One of my last speeches at the tournament was an impromptu on "Poverty". As I thought about the topic afterwards, my mind drifted back to India... Poverty runs deep. Poverty is a void. We recognize poverty because we know there's something more. God's whisper to my heart: It isn't just in them; it's in you.  There was a void in my heart. A void that I didn't even know existed, because I wasn't thinking about the "something more" that was meant to fill it.

Think about your own life. There is an emptiness. Maybe you don't see it... maybe you're like me, filling it with so many other things that it feels like it's not even there. But there is a void. There is a poverty so deep that Jesus had to pour out His own blood to fill it. And yet He was willing to. He is the only one that can satisfy. The void was created when we turned from His heart, and it can only be filled when we come back to the place where we belong. 

It's strange how convincing the Enemy's lies can be. The one that terrifies me the most is the cover-up of a "good" Christian life. We can look like Christ-followers on the outside. We can read scripture, rattle off prayers at the right times, and meet the "spiritual requirements" we see fit. And then we can turn away from His heart, and fill our lives with emptiness. And we feel completely fine... until the ice breaks, and you realize how thin and meaningless it was to begin with. 

Insecurity is something I've really been awakened to so much this past week. What is strange is that some of the people who seem to have experienced the most insecurity were the people I never would have expected. They were the "good" Christians. And they were the ones who wondered if they were loved, questioned their identity, and even entered self-destructive life styles. Ultimately, the void cannot be filled by our own efforts. Our personal wants are going to fall short of fulfillment, even if they are met completely. Our achievements can't bring lasting satisfaction. Even our own attempts to become right with God can't heal the breach, outside of a true encounter with the love of Christ. We cannot fill the void. 

But His love can. His love is the only thing that satisfies.... and it is enough. We were made for more. 

"6  My soul is downcast within me;

    therefore I will remember you...
7 Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers

    have swept over me."

-Psalm 42:6-7

He planned success.  And I stand resolved... that I will pursue His success with my entire life, in His strength. 

~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~

Worship Song: 

"You Satisfy My Soul" 

by Laura Hackett Park

(inspiring worship music)