I'll Count It Loss

What is your greatest good?

Tournament season is something that stretches all of us, on some level or another. We've worked all season on these speeches, and spent hours at the computer working on our debate cases. And we are so excited to compete, and see the hard work pay off.

And when it doesn't go as planned, it can hurt. We may feel like our time has been wasted when we see others advancing in the out rounds for debate, while our own boxes remain comfortably nestled in the student hangout area. It can sting to watch your speech event being announced during awards, while you are sit in the back of the auditorium, instead of walking across the stage.

"Humility."  "Glorifying God."  "Peace."  "Confidence."  We throw these words around so much at tournaments. And they are beautiful... but are they our focus?  Or have they simply become a legal safeguard, to make sure we at least have Christian values on our minds, if not in our hearts?

What is your greatest good at a tournament?  What do is your goal going into it?  Oftentimes, when people are asked this, they'll smile and say: "Well, I'm just here to glorify God!"  And that is wonderful... but is that your greatest good?  Is that your heart's longing, or has that become a cover-up for wanting your own gain?

It is not wrong to want to advance at tournaments. I certainly have that longing as well. But what does it mean, if that is all we walk away with?  Have we won anything, if our confidence is only in those awards?

I think Paul put it best in Philippians 3:

 For it is we who are the circumcision, we who serve God by his Spirit, who boast in Christ Jesus,and who put no confidence in the flesh— 4 though I myself have reasons for such confidence.

If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: 5 circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; 6 as for zeal,persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.

7 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

-Philippians 3:3-11

I want that to be my greatest good; I want to come closer to God this tournament and see His hand at work in the hearts of those around me, and in my own life, and if I don't, it doesn't matter how well I do, because I have gained nothing!!  All I have is a little plastic round thing on a ribbon, presented by a league that seeks to equip students for so much more. God is giving us the tools to be world changers. But for what are we going to change the world, if we're not rooted in Him in the here and now?  I have nothing, if I have not found more of Him.

Why?  Because He is the Beloved. He is not a faraway, eternal Being who cares nothing about us, frowns whenever we do something wrong, likes to make us miserable, or doesn't understand us. He cherishes our hearts so deeply that He would die to save them. His arms hold the entire universe, yet he is holding you, as an individual, against His heart, ravished by one glance of Your eyes. He listens when you cry out. He answers you when you call. When you seek Him, He will be found. He loves us.

That love is my greatest good. I want it to be the longing of my heart. If I have not fallen more deeply in love with Him, I have nothing to boast in.

I am not my own; I am His, and He is mine. We lack for nothing.

~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~ 

Worship Song: 

"Boasting",
Lecrae

(slower, thought-provoking rap)

It Is Well

Letting go of something you hold close to you is possibly one of the most difficult things in the world. Sometimes, it's a longing...a dream...even a person. And no matter what it is, if you treasured it, it is painful.

It's hard to invest something, pray about it, and then be willing to give the reigns to God, even if it never comes to the fruition you wanted. Tournament season seems to bring this out in many people; I've heard so many of my friends discouraged after their competitive season ends, wondering why God would lay a speech topic or a burden that heavily on their heart, and not take them to the next level of competition to share their passion. The feeling goes beyond competition as well; sometimes, I wonder why God would lay it on my heart to start a conversation that seems to have His purposes, and then allow the other person to drop the topic halfway through. I wonder why God would lay a prayer burden on my heart, and not let the situation work out. I wonder why God would place a specific person in my life, only to lose the friendship a few years later when our paths would go different ways.

I have to wonder if David felt the same way. He was chosen by God to be the King of Israel, and follow in His footsteps. He was anointed by the prophet. God's word had been spoken over him. And then...he was sent back to take care of his flocks. God had a laid a burden on David's heart. He had told him the plans He had for him. But instead of setting David on Israel's throne immediately, God told him to wait. His normal life resumed for a few years. Then, in a turn of events that startled the nation, he defeated Goliath and became a great warrior. Surely this was his step toward becoming King. But instead, he was hunted and despised. He was forced to hide in a cave with his men, to protect their very lives. The road to become King was rocky, and unstable, causing him to cry out:

3 "My soul is in deep anguish.
    How long, Lord, how long?"

-Psalm 6:3

But God knew the plans He had for this man... plans to prosper him, and not to harm him... plans to give him a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)  While David saw only the valley, God saw the entire panorama. And He was in control of it, every step of the way.

Most of us have walked that path many times. We hear God's voice. He gives us a passion. We fight for it. We appear to lose. But so often, we forget who we're fighting for. If God gave you a passion, He will not leave you to fight for it in your own strength. You are His beloved, and He will not abandon you. He does not change; if it's from Him, He has a purpose for it, and that purpose, although it may be different than what we thought it would be, will be carried out to completion, no matter what stands against it.

We believe that God will carry out His plans to completion, but I think so often, we are afraid to trust Him to do it.  We think we know better, and we create our own plans and expectations for a certain passion or situation. If it doesn't go the way we planned, we question why God wasn't there to help us...while ignoring that His plan is still in existence, and is far more beautiful than any plan we could create on our own. His plan may hurt, at times; it may not be what we wanted. His plan for a certain speech may be to inspire one life through your words, instead of taking you to finals at nationals. But, if your speech could change that life, wouldn't it be worth it?  If your message could truly alter one person, does it matter whether or not the world sees you do it?  Is this for your glory, or for His?

Surrendering our passions to God's plan is difficult, and can be painful. We still cling so desperately to the hope that our way could come to fulfillment, too... and many times, God blesses us by allowing that to happen. But ultimately, we have to trust that He knows what He's doing. If my plan stands in the way of His, then I want to be able to say "yes" to His, and let go of mine. I can only see the valley, but He sees the top of the mountain that He's bringing us to. He is in control.

"Let go, my soul, 

And trust in Him.

The waves and wind 

Still know His name...

And it is well

with me." 

~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~ 

Worship Song: 

"It Is Well", 
by  Bethel Music

(slower, reflective worship)

(via Pinterest)

The Wasted Life

"I've wasted it!  I've wasted it.."

These were the words of a man who was saved near the end of his life. Before I heard this story as described by John Piper in his book Don't Waste Your Life, I had always thought conversions at the close of a life story were beautiful depictions of God's forgiveness and ability to change anyone. But this man, with tears streaming down his face, thought otherwise. He had finally encountered Jesus Christ and now, what was left?  He was going to see His king face to face. He was going to have eternal life. But the life he had been given in the here and now had been poured out over the things of the world. He recognized that he had been given a gift... and had wasted it. 

None of us wants to end that way. To look back on all that we've spent our entire lives on, and see that it was nothing. Life is precious beyond imagination. It's a kiss from heaven, the breath of God imparted to man, a one-time chance. I don't get my yesterdays back. And it breaks my heart to think about how many of them were wasted. How many more will I throw away? 

The idea of living a worthwhile life is not unique to Christianity. The culture is constantly telling us that we need to make something of ourselves. We have potential, that can't be thrown away. We owe it to ourselves to be the best. 

When I think of a wasted life, I think about something similar to the man in John Piper's book... a life spent chasing the things of the world and never truly understanding the love of Jesus. I believe that that love is all that matters. A life well spent is a life spent in that love, chasing it every waking minute, loving Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength....a life that will follow Him wherever He goes, even if it costs you everything. 

And when you pursue the life well spent...when you run the course, when you fight the good fight, when you finish the race, when you chase what matters, when you have faith in what is unseen, when you spend your life following Him and carrying your cross...the world is going to tell you you have wasted it. When you pour the best that you have - your very life - out at the feet of Jesus, they will tell you that you have just thrown away everything. 

And they wouldn't be the first. Jesus' own disciples said the same thing, when Mary of Bethany poured out the best that she had at the feet of Jesus:

3 While he was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of Simon the Leper, a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head.

4 Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, “Why this waste of perfume? 5 It could have been sold for more than a year’s wages[a]and the money given to the poor.” And they rebuked her harshly.

6 “Leave her alone,” said Jesus. “Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me. 7 The poor you will always have with you,[b] and you can help them any time you want. But you will not always have me. 8 She did what she could. She poured perfume on my body beforehand to prepare for my burial. 9 Truly I tell you, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world,what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.”

-Mark 14:3-9

One of the things that stands out to me most about this passage is that it's not just the world that will call a poured-out life for Christ a wasted life... in this chapter, it was Jesus' closest followers. Even other Christians may tell us we're wasting our lives by following. It's then that you have to ask, who am I really following?  Why do you want to live a fulfilled life?  It's so easy to want Jesus because He makes us look spiritual. In Christian circles like those we have in NCFCA, where we always pray before rounds and often encounter theology discussions in the competition hallways, there is such a strong temptation to want Jesus because of what He can give you. The question is, would you still pray if it was just you and Him alone in your closet that night?  Would you still press deeper into those theological concepts, with a thirst for Him?  Are you after Him, or them?  

It hurts to say this, because so often, I find myself wanting Jesus for what He can give me. But I have to wonder if even the lives of people like that man, who chased only the things of the world, were more full than some of ours?  Christians and non-Christians alike will chase the things of the world to find their fulfillment. But Christians do so under the banner of Jesus Christ. Are our lives any less wasted than theirs?

Last week, I found a song by a worship artist from the International House of Prayer that was inspired by this exact passage. The theme of the song is as simple as it is powerful; I will leave everything behind. I will pour out all that I have. I am willing to stand before the world, with nothing but what looks like a wasted life. I am willing to leave behind my own ambitions, my own dreams, my own loves from this world. The love of Jesus has moved me beyond anything else imaginable, and I will follow. In their eyes, I will waste my life. I will lose my life. 

Because in doing so, I will have found it. 

~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~

Worship Song: 

"I Will Waste My Life", 
by Misty Edwards

(softer, reflective worship)

(if this song captures your attention, look up the next track on Misty's CD, written as a follow-up to this song,
called Do You Know The Way You Move Me)

The Unknowable Made Known

There is a truth in Christianity, that has existed since before the Old Testament was ever written. It's called the "Doctrine of Incomprehensibility". Professor Allen Hood succinctly described it this way:

God is unable to be completely known in any of His attributes.

God is beyond man. His glory is beyond comprehension. One glance at His face in all of its glory, and we die. He is too much for these earthen vessels. God is incomprehensible. God is unable to be completely known in any one of His attributes.

The God we serve is so much beyond all that we know, and I personally sensed that for so long whenever I worshiped Him. I believed He was real. I wanted to serve Him. I was intrigued with Him, and I was thirsty to know more. I prayed to Him. I read about Him. I thought I was on the right track, but I felt like I was missing something so deep within my spiritual life. As it turns out, I was.

Two weeks ago this Tuesday, I jumped in my Camry at 7:05am, and started the 45-minute drive to the International House of Prayer University (IHOPU). In spite of the arguments in my mind as to whether or not spending four hours of my day for a theology class was a practical idea, I was excited to go. As I drove, I asked God to send me an awakening, and show me Himself that day. Looking back, I'm amazed at how little I expected from that prayer, in comparison to how abundantly He answered it.

I met three of my friends at the front door, and we headed to our class. That first day, our professor shared his personal testimony and, while it was inspiring, only one statement stuck with me from that first class, and looking back, only one needed to:

"He's not a concept; He's a person."

My mind was shattered. Implicitly, I had always known this was true. But mental assent doesn't mean it's spiritually registered within you. I couldn't get over that idea.... God is unknowable, untouchable, unreachable, and yet He became a person. He's not just a distant idea. He's not just the most beautiful philosophy to ever cross the human mind. He's not just the highest concept of the universe. Jesus Christ was a man. He walked with us.

I left class that day, with one thought: It's real. This is not just a mental quest. This is not just a spiritual awakening or a feeling. This is a reality that transcends any human thought, emotion, or touch. And yet it has been made known to us through a man. A person, who wants us, who cherishes us, who pursues us, and hears us.

He understands every struggle. He took on your humanity, to bring you back to His heart. The life of Jesus made the incomprehensible God known. God cannot be known fully in any one of His attributes, but He can be known truly. Through Him, we do have access to the Father.

This C.S. Lewis quote struck me deeply when I first read it:

"Our model is the Jesus, not only of Calvary, but of the workshop, the roads, the crowds, the clamorous demands and surly oppositions, the lack of all peace and privacy, the interruptions. For this, so strangely unlike anything we can attribute to the Divine life in itself, is apparently not only like, but is, the Divine life operating under human conditions."

-C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Jesus has experienced even the little things that frustrate us. He has walked the path of humanity. He is the Divine life operating under human conditions. And that's not just a philosophical manifestation. He was a man. He is a real, knowable person, with personality, and life, and love. I had always tried to "love God", but never know how exactly that was meant to translate spiritually. I had been awe-struck and fascinated by Him, and dependent on Him. But it wasn't the same love I felt for people I cared about. I knew something was missing. After that first day of class, I began to fall in love with this man. I still have a long way to go. But He is beginning to teach me how to love and seek Him more fully.

Think about every spiritual quality you have ever admired in a guy, or any spiritual traits you could possibly want in your future husband. I would encourage you to take a minute sometime this week, and write every single one down. Then look at that list, and see if there is even one that Jesus Christ does not measure up to. If you find one, tell me, because I have yet to do so. He fulfills every longing.

It's hard to love someone you've never seen. But He doesn't leave you to fight on your own. A few weeks ago, after our theology class, we were talking about charismatic theology and the idea of speaking in tongues. I was expecting it to be an academic, informative conversation. But it went much deeper than that. One part of the conversation was specifically impactful: "I would encourage you to just open your heart up to God. He said that anyone who asks receives, and anyone who seeks will find. Even if it has nothing to do with tongues, He wants to make Himself known."

God does not play games with us; if you want Him with all your heart, He is ready to be found. He longs to show Himself to those who seek His face.

~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~

Worship Song: 

"King Of All the Earth", 
by  Brian and Katie Torwalt

(upbeat, uplifting worship)

Live Beyond

How many times have you set your heart to focus outward?  I've tried it so many times. Sometimes, there is grace and it strengthens people. Oftentimes, I brush past the work He has given me to do, in pursuit of myself.

Why? Because I am a person of need. I am broken. I have my issues. I have wants.

It is so easy to say I'm going to focus on others. And I do want to reach out to those around me. But if I'm honest, there is a hierarchy in that situation... my needs have to be met first. If they're not, I am not able to help someone around me.

I want to be strong. I want to fight for those around me. But I am realizing more and more the weakness of my own heart. I am able to help others... until the Enemy opens my eyes to an unmet need in my own life. The funny thing is that the existence of my need doesn't remove the need of the people around me. But it removes me. It takes me away from what I set out to do, and turns me inward as I begin to see more and more of my own issues. Suddenly, I can't help but expect everyone else to see my needs, and help me.

Is there anything wrong with need?  Not necessarily; we were all made with a need for God. That need is a beautiful thing... it draws us closer to Him, and brings us deeper into the intimacy we were made for. Need, through this lens, puts humanity and all of its efforts in perspective. We are nothing without Christ. We need God, even when we don't realize it. Without Him, there would be no us. Every minute that we live is a minute that He breathed into our lungs. It is undeserved, and it is nothing we could have produced on our own. We need God.

I think it's really interesting how the world has distorted this idea. There seems to be a heavy emphasis on "need" in today's culture. People were designed to be filled; we were made for communion with God Himself. In every worldview, there is some sort of need. In America, our culture teaches us that we need to be secure in ourselves and who we are. In our closely-knit circles, with families that love us, we are blessed to be covered in a love and acceptance that many people can't even dream of. And yet I think we've grown to expect those things, instead of realizing that they are undeserved blessings. And when we feel their absence, or any presence of pain, our natural tendency is to turn inward, to somehow satisfy that need, and make sure we'll be okay.

Tournament season has started now, and I think it's a great example of how this can stretch us. I know that personally, I am so much more aware of my personal "needs" at tournaments. I need to have someone to talk to, and they need to be invested in the conversation because I AM IMPORTANT!!  I need to have sleep, and if I didn't get enough, I just can't go bless anyone else because I need to conserve my ENERGY, which is on an all-time low. I need to have good rounds and if I don't then the world is not a happy place anymore, and it is my job to go feel MISERABLE.  It's actually ridiculous to look at all the things I cling to, and believe that I need. It's exciting when people want to have an edifying conversation with me personally. It feels refreshing to get enough sleep. When rounds go well, it's encouraging. But the Enemy is able to do so much through this mindset, that I need these things to function. All he has to do is get it in my head that I have lost one of them, and suddenly, my focus is almost completely inward. Before I know it, I'm no longer looking for ways to reach out to others, and encourage them. I'm not reaching out as His hands and feet, because I'm so busy trying to untie my own limbs.

Jesus Christ carried a cross. If ever there was a moment of justifiable physical need, this was it. Roman torture methods were designed to induce intense bleeding, and innervate the neurological stimulation of the body to make the process of things like flogging as painful as possible. Many people who were meant to be crucified died before they even made contact with their crosses, because of this "pre-death", as the flogging was called. When He was nailed to the cross, the spikes were driven with just as much strategy, right through two of the largest nerves in the entire body. During crucifixion, the most strenuous task is simply continuing to breathe, and supporting your lungs as the weight of your body floods them.  And yet even in this moment of physical need in what He knew were His final hours of life, His focus was outward. He gave the disciple whom He loved to care for His mother. He reached out to the two thieves next to Him with His love. He forgave His oppressors. THIS is the man I follow.

He was in need more excruciating than we could even imagine, and yet His focus was fixed beyond His own concerns. He had set His heart outward, and He would not be moved, no matter how much He was hurt he experienced. And I am willing to let a bad round or a sleepless night hold me back, while existing under a Christian banner.....

I think it's time to stand up to Christianity for what it truly is. I want to see lives in which the barriers of the flesh are broken, and people do not even see their own needs and wants because they are so busy pouring out what they do have at the feet of Jesus as they serve those around them. I want to hear the cries in the night, of those who would pray and pour their hearts out at the foot of the cross, even when they "need" to be asleep. I want to feel the rush of the presence of God as it fills lives, overtakes existences, and heals the brokenness that has overtaken His beloved. And I need it to start with me, because I am the weakest. But the One within me is greater than he who is in the world.

Are you ready to live beyond?

~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~

Worship Song: 

"Change This Heart" 

by Sidewalk Prophets

(quiet, devotional worship)

The Hidden Person of the Heart

You are the temple of God. Growing up in church, we all hear about this a lot. But how does the idea of being the temple of the Holy Spirit translate into the area of purity? 

In the Old Testament, the temple was treasured. It was beautiful. It was adorned for God, alone. Outward appearance didn't define the worth of the temple. There was no need to flaunt its attractions before the world. Its glory was not in its physical beauty, but in the fact that the very presence of the Creator and Lover of the entire Universe had descended within its gates.

More beautiful than what was visible in the temple were the elements of its courts that were concealed from public view. 1 Peter 3:4 calls it the "hidden person of the heart". In her book Set Apart Femininity, Leslie Ludy talks about veiling this hidden person, by looking at the different parts of the temple. This is a paraphrase of her thoughts:

The Holy of Holies

          This arena must never be shared or made open to the public, even to those of your most intimate circle...the Holy of Holies represents the most intimate and precious areas of the human soul and body. And this supremely sacred arena of the human life is preserved for God alone and able to be shared with a spouse under the parameters of the holy marriage covenant. The Holy of Holies includes such sacred things as intercourse and the deepest, most personal dimensions of the heart and mind. 

The Holy Place

           Like the Holy of Holies, this domain of the human life must not be shared with the public. However, it is accessible to more than just God and a spouse...Family and intimate friends can be allowed into this holy sector if they first prove honorable and upright. The holy place includes such sacred things as deeply personal expression and touch (nonsexual), dimensions of the heart and mind containing highly sensitive and sacred matters (hurts, vulnerabilities, fears, weaknesses, dreams, desires, longings). 

The Outer Court

          Like the Holy Place, this sacred arena of the human life is open to more than just a spouse in marriage... The outer court includes such sacred things as friendly touch, words of specific encouragement, character endorsements, intercessory prayer, friendships with believers, the teaching and discussing of doctrine, and communion. 

Most of us don't have a problem concealing the Holy of Holies. So how does this relate to purity?

Think about the way you interact with your guy friends. How much access do they have to your inner person?  Have you allowed any of them into the Holy Place of your heart?  Trusted guy friends should be welcome in your Outer Court. Relationships that involve encouragement, prayer, and friendly touch have the basis to be edifying and God-glorifying. But if we begin to unveil the deeper dimensions of our hidden person, this alters the relationship significantly. Are you really "just friends" with someone if you routinely unload your emotional burdens on them one-on-one?  Are you protecting the valued mystique God gave you as a woman if you are making the deeper dimensions of your heart available to those who should not be in your most trusted circle?

I think it's interesting how we often feel a draw to make our Holy Place known to the guys around us. Our culture has taught us the importance of sharing emotions and not carrying them all by ourselves. Often, we want to be able to give them a full emotional download. But, in pursuit of that longing, I think we often miss the Outer Court completely. Many of us have no problem pouring out our thoughts and desires to those around us. But do we encourage them?  Do we intercede for them?

The analogy of the temple and the three courts has really helped me in the way I relate to guys. I used to really struggle with wanting to "unload", emotionally, on some of my guy friends that I trusted. One friendship a few years ago was particularly unhealthy; it came to the point where I realized that this one friend knew more about me than almost anyone else. When I began to awaken to the idea of protecting my inner person, it really stretched me. I started to take those hurts, fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, dreams, longings and desires to the foot of the cross.... not just rattling them off in a prayer, but leaving them in His hands and pouring out my heart to Him. It felt strange, at first. But it was so beautiful. He is the only one strong enough to carry me, and He is faithful to do it.

Not only did protecting my Holy Place increase my trust, it also turned my focus outward in terms of relating to my guy friends. He opened my eyes to the beauty of the Outer Court that I had mostly skimmed over. Instead of looking for opportunities to share myself, He laid a burden on my heart to intercede for and encourage the people He had placed around me.

You are a temple. You are treasured and beautiful in His eyes; You are the dwelling place of Jesus. He cherishes the hidden person of your heart. Are you willing to let Him protect it?

This Is My Success

I planned success.

We pulled out of the driveway that Wednesday morning and began the long trek up to Minnesota. I kept myself busy listening to music, trying to keep my feet warm, and re-reading Congressional Research Service reports for debate. I was going to be ready to take down any case we confronted. And I wasn't only concerned with debate; I had a message to spread. God had laid a passion on my heart for Radical Islam, and the hope that He has for the sons of Ishmael. In my TP box, next to file folders of evidence, sat the outflow of that passion: a freshly typed out persuasive script, layered with statistics, pain and hope. I was so excited for the chance to enter this suburban mission field, and spread the message God had placed on my heart.

I planned success.  I wasn't focused on winning, I told myself. God could do whatever He wanted with me. I was ready to follow Him, no matter what. I wasn't prepared for how much that conviction would be challenged... Thursday morning, as we were getting ready to leave for the first day of competition, Mom received a phone call... Sarah was sick, and we would not be debating. In that moment, all I could think to cling to was Jesus. And in that moment, all I felt was peace. Peace mixed with disappointment.... but peace, just the same. I found out later that some of my friends had found out about Sarah as well, even before I had, and had been interceding for me at that exact moment.

Later that evening, I felt less strength than I had that morning over the situation. But I told myself it was okay. I still had my persuasive. I still had my message. I still had the chance to stir hearts and share my passion.

I planned success.  Persuasive breaks were called, and my name was not on the list. It hurt... as much as I told myself to "suck it up" and not give way to weakness, it hurt so much. I found a place by myself for a little while to listen to a worship song.....

"Let go, my soul,

And trust in Him.

The waves and wind

Still know His name."

I planned success.  And it did not come in the way I wanted. We didn't get a chance to run against a single case in debate. Persuasive judges questioned the relevance of my message. But He began a success than ran much more deeply.

The day before the Minnesota qualifier, I had taken a picture to remind myself why I was doing this to begin with:

I'm so surprised at how easily we can forget the things we set out to do..... this was the success I planned, even before we left. I convinced myself that this was my greatest good. And yet it wasn't my sole pursuit. I wanted to love Him... but maybe I wanted to be a big-name team in debate this year even more that week. God had to break so many things within me, to bring me back to what I had set out to do. In the end, only one thing remained. 

One of my last speeches at the tournament was an impromptu on "Poverty". As I thought about the topic afterwards, my mind drifted back to India... Poverty runs deep. Poverty is a void. We recognize poverty because we know there's something more. God's whisper to my heart: It isn't just in them; it's in you.  There was a void in my heart. A void that I didn't even know existed, because I wasn't thinking about the "something more" that was meant to fill it.

Think about your own life. There is an emptiness. Maybe you don't see it... maybe you're like me, filling it with so many other things that it feels like it's not even there. But there is a void. There is a poverty so deep that Jesus had to pour out His own blood to fill it. And yet He was willing to. He is the only one that can satisfy. The void was created when we turned from His heart, and it can only be filled when we come back to the place where we belong. 

It's strange how convincing the Enemy's lies can be. The one that terrifies me the most is the cover-up of a "good" Christian life. We can look like Christ-followers on the outside. We can read scripture, rattle off prayers at the right times, and meet the "spiritual requirements" we see fit. And then we can turn away from His heart, and fill our lives with emptiness. And we feel completely fine... until the ice breaks, and you realize how thin and meaningless it was to begin with. 

Insecurity is something I've really been awakened to so much this past week. What is strange is that some of the people who seem to have experienced the most insecurity were the people I never would have expected. They were the "good" Christians. And they were the ones who wondered if they were loved, questioned their identity, and even entered self-destructive life styles. Ultimately, the void cannot be filled by our own efforts. Our personal wants are going to fall short of fulfillment, even if they are met completely. Our achievements can't bring lasting satisfaction. Even our own attempts to become right with God can't heal the breach, outside of a true encounter with the love of Christ. We cannot fill the void. 

But His love can. His love is the only thing that satisfies.... and it is enough. We were made for more. 

"6  My soul is downcast within me;

    therefore I will remember you...
7 Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers

    have swept over me."

-Psalm 42:6-7

He planned success.  And I stand resolved... that I will pursue His success with my entire life, in His strength. 

~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~

Worship Song: 

"You Satisfy My Soul" 

by Laura Hackett Park

(inspiring worship music)